The Emotional Journey

So due to technical difficulties (my computer stopped working) and the fact that I wasn't quite sure what I wanted this blog to be, I stopped for a while.
I'm back - I want to update maybe about once a week.
It's way too hard to update once a day. I work all day, go to the gym, and by the time I eat dinner and shower I just want to go to bed.  I love my routine, it just leaves very little time for blogging.
Since the last time I blogged I've lost an additional 22lbs and I am at a total of 57 lbs lost.

As much as it is exciting to lose all of this weight and it's actually very easy to do for me with this method of watching what I eat and calories along with vigorous exercise, it takes a toll on me emotionally and I want to talk about that a little bit.

There are days when I get on the scale and I don't understand why it hasn't moved. When you work as hard as I do, it is very hard to see that. I start blaming and shaming and second guessing myself. I have to consciously remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. I have to remind myself that the journey is hard and this isn't the first time I've struggled to see progress - plateaus happen. I have to remind myself that what I am doing is working and to just keep pushing forward.  Weight loss and a journey to fitness for me has felt about 80% mental/emotional and 20% physical. It's hard to train your mind to think differently, to eat differently, to learn what being "full" actually is, to go to the gym instead of taking a nap, to drink 1-2 gallons of water a day. It's a lot.  It takes time and support. It takes a strong will.

When you start to change anything about yourself, you unfortunately see parts of people and sides of people you didn't know existed. You see jealousy, you see love, you see support and so much more in places you didn't expect.  I constantly have people question my methods and criticise my choices, but for every 1 person who does that I have 3 more supporting me or asking me for help.  I've seen a lack of support from people I thought would be my biggest cheerleaders, I've seen support from people with whom I wasn't even that close.  Change doesn't just "change" you but it has a ripple effect to everyone in your life and you have to be prepared for that. Now nothing really will prepare you because you can't predict reactions, but you have to be strong and know that you trust what you're doing.

I post a lot on social media and I feel really self-centered for doing this, but it REALLY holds me accountable to what I eat, to my work outs, to succeeding, and it gives me a great connection to my support system.  I have Steve at home and he is beyond phenomenal but the more support the better. The more you know others are watching, the more it drives you.

It's also a challenge to change how you see yourself. I've seen myself as the big, loud, funny girl for a long time. I've bought the same size clothes for a long time, and sometimes I still see myself as a lot larger than I am. Yes I'm buying larges instead of xxlarges, yes I'm buying 14s and 16s instead of 20s and 22s. Seeing the numbers change on my clothes and on the scale are such a small piece of this journey. Like I said before, so much of this is mental and seeing yourself in a new way. I am learning to respect my body differently than I ever have. I'm learning to empower myself and push myself to be better and stronger. I'm changing the relationship I've had with food for 27 years. That's longer than a lot of marriages, people! I get down on myself for the inconsistency I experience from time to time and the blaming and the shaming. I know in my logical brain that it's working, that everything will get where it needs to be, but I'm a very competitive person and in this case, I'm competing with myself which just takes it to another level when it comes to my expectations of being better. I just have to be patient and trust myself and this process.

One of the biggest things I've learned is trusting myself and realizing that this is a journey that will continue my whole life. Yes I still have 40 more lbs to go (ish, I'm going to see where my body is most comfortable) and I know I'll be equally criticized and supported. I know even when I get to a "goal" weight, I'm always going to have to watch what I eat and work out because that is the body type I have.  This is about making a life long sustainable change, not what will be a quick fix.  I'm going to try to post more, although now I'm in my busy time so it probably won't be for another week or so but I just needed to share where I am now and what this journey is really like for me.