All About the Fat

I've been big for a long time.
Even in high school when I was in pageants at my smallest, I was big and told to "work on my physical fitness" from a judge. I pretended it didn't bother me, but I remember that quote to this day. I was bigger than all the other girls and thought I was large then. 

I can talk about all the hard things in my life that led to me sneaking food from cabinets in the house, eating Oreos after school with peanut butter, rewarding myself with food, eating too much fast food once I could pay for it myself, but all of that isn't relevant any more.  I could blame my emotional eating on the myriad of people who have been total jerks in my life and by all accounts left some pretty nasty scars. I don't want to dwell on the past and how I used to bargain with myself, "as long as I don't go above a size X" "as long as I don't weigh XXX amount." The bargains always changed and I would always just tell myself that "yeah I'm big but I'm proportioned well..." making all kinds of excuses left and right.  I was the girl who was told she had a "pretty face," as in "good thing your face is pretty because the rest of you is struggling. I don't really think anyone ever thought that and I've had amazing friends and family my whole life who are always supportive and love me for who I am but when you're already self conscious about your weight, hearing "you have a pretty face" screams "YOU'RE FAT".  I think one of the hardest parts, too, was not being able to shop with my friends the way a lot of girls do. I couldn't share clothes with many of my friends and sorority sisters in college, I couldn't always find stuff that fit at the same stores, and while it didn't bother me a lot, it does strike a nerve when you usually buy shoes just so you can buy something without letting everyone know your jean size.

I intentionally did not lose weight for my wedding day, and I wouldn't change that for a minute. While I'm not "happy" with how big I was and could have been "thinner," I also feel like I'm glad I got married the way I was at that time in my life.  I've gone through stages of embracing my size and despising my size. I've tried different work out routines from Zumba, to things from magazines, to things from Pinterest. I tried Weight Watchers, eating vegetarian/vegan lunches, etc. I just wouldn't see the progress I wanted and get frustrated and quit.  For some reason this time it clicked, this time it is different. 

Focusing on my health and getting to a healthy size is funny because as a feminist I don't want people to think that I'm doing this because I'm influenced by a standard of beauty. It's really not that. It's about feeling good about who I am and being comfortable in my skin.  Especially now that I've already seen progress I feel better, I have more energy, and love having a stronger body.

I love going to the gym. I used to hate it. Now that I have direction, I love it. I go 5 times a week and monitor what I eat every day. I have a super supportive husband and best friend who are on this journey with me.  Support is crucial. I hope this can help you on your journey to whatever level of fitness you're looking for because if I can do it, you totally can too.