How much do I weigh?

Okay, real talk.  So I've been debating for a long time when, if ever, to share my weight. It's hard to share how much you weigh. It's kind of taught to be a taboo subject and something we don't ask. I was told "the scale is just a number" so I often went years without weighing myself.

When I finally began using MyFitnessPal I was **deep breath** 
(I feel like I'm taking off my clothes by doing this, but I said I'd be honest!)

This was somewhere in the 260-270 range

265 pounds

I initially put my weight in as 263 pounds before I checked thinking I'd change it if I was wrong. When I got home it would not let me update it instead, it would look like I gained 2lbs in a day so I just left it alone.

My heaviest weight I ever remember seeing on a scale was

273 pounds 

This was right when I started working out and using MFP - no results yet

I remember it clicking how close to 300 that was. I wish I could tell you that this lead to like a huge wake up call. It didn't. It did lead me down a path to start running and trying to "eat healthy" without really knowing what "eating healthy" meant. I didn't know the importance of portions and watching sugar content. I didn't know what I was reading when I looked at a label. I didn't know how many calories to eat or not eat. Basically, it lead to another failed attempt at weight loss.  I had previously lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers going down to around 248 pounds.

Since being at 263 pounds I am now at 59.8 pounds lost. 

I am 203.2 pounds right now.
I am 4 pounds away from being in the 100s and I want to get there like NOW.

I'm trying to be patient and not stress because this last 10 pounds has been torture! The more I stress and worry, the worse it will be.

I really want to be below 200 pounds by October 18th 

but I've decided to consciously try to not pressure myself and just let it happen.  I've switched up my eating and am trusting the work I've already done and keep doing every day. I have to remind myself that weight gain or plateaus aren't the end of the world but I have to keep pushing in the right directions and make the right corrections.

At the beginning of August - around 213 pounds

Yesterday I went shopping and it felt so good. I had to get rid of more stuff in my closet. I already need new jeans again as well as new black work pants. There is no way to explain to someone who has never experienced it what it is like to be able to find clothes in a "normal" store when the biggest size wouldn't always fit you. I used to get anxiety about going shopping with friends.  I felt like I was watching others and would just buy jewelry or shoes. Now I feel like I can participate. It's more than just shopping, it's participating in life.

Having a target size or weight to be is very challenging when you've been heavy for a long time. You don't know what your body is supposed to look like. I wear L shirts in most things (sometimes an XL still). I wear size 14/16 bottoms right now, also.  If I buy a dress its usually a L or a 16. I'm not sure if there is a certain"size" I want to be. Like I said, I'm just trying to be as near to my "target" weight based on my height/weight chart (so somewhere between 150 and 165) I can be and then basing it off of how I feel, how I look, and where my body finds it is happiest. I am already pretty muscular so I know this will probably put me on the heavier side, and that's fine.

The scale is just a number, and there is no perfect number, but it should reflect a happy, healthy you.  The scale is a guidance point to know where you are and where you should be and you should be pairing it with your BMI, inches, and body fat %. BMI can be misleading too, so be careful just trusting that.

Between my baseline in January and September 19
My body fat % has gone down 6.5%
My BMI has gone down 7.3 points

There is a huge part of me that really wants to lose a full 100 pounds then let my body figure it out but I really just want to see where I land and trust my body. Okay I'm done spilling my guts and sharing one of the hardest things we try to avoid sharing at all costs.  I told you I'd be honest about the good the bad and the ugly!
I have some fun meals coming up this week and some weight loss tips when it comes to food so stay tuned!