Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal!

I've been gone for a while! I was on vacation visiting my family. I definitely strayed from my typical eating habits but I loved it. I worked out while I was home and let me tell you when you work out without a gym you have to get creative! You can actually find some great work outs on youtube for which you don't need equipment like this one (which we did): Here is the link in case the video doesn't work: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K-8YS6L7ARU

It may seem "easy" but trust me it is FREAKING HARD.
I gained back about 5 pounds over my time at home which is fine! Now I'm trying to work it back off one choice and one work out at a time. I wanted to be able to enjoy my time at home and if you've ever had my mom's cooking, you know it is amazing! I believe in living well and actually living, not restricting. Don't go crazy, and make sure you work out, but don't deprive yourself during special times.

So I've been on an oatmeal kick lately for breakfast. I think it's the colder weather and the fact that it is still so dark in the morning.  Today I made blueberry muffin oatmeal. You can modify this if needed, for example use peanut butter or almond butter instead of cookie butter.

Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal: 
Nutrition Facts: 

Calories: 236
Fat: 5.6g
Cholesterol: 0mg
Carbs: 41.2g
Fiber: 5.2g
Sugars: 10.6g
Protein: 5.3g


Ingredients
1/2 c of Old Fashioned Oats
1 c water
1 packet of stevia
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp brown sugar
splash of vanilla extract
1/2 tbsp Speculoos Cookie Butter (Trader Joe's) (I think it gives it a "baked good" taste but you could use almond butter, cashew butter, peanut butter, etc.)
1/4 c fresh blueberries

Instructions: 
Make old fashioned oats according to package instructions. I use the "creamier" method rather than "chewier."  Transfer oatmeal to a bowl.

Mix in all ingredients except the blueberries. Once all ingredients are combined add the blueberries and gently stir them into the oatmeal.

I like adding the blueberries when it is still warm because it makes the blueberries warm and brings out the sweetness!

Try it and let me know what you think!

Oatmeal Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip Cookies and Plated!

The food that came in the box all packaged up

Tonight we tried Plated for the first time! My dad gave us a gift to use it and so we ordered two meals for the week and have more coming later.  The way it works is you go on the website and pick meals you want for the week.  I chose 2 per week because you have to order at least 4 plates per box.  You can order as much as you want.

When you look at the meal choices they include the ingredients, if it's gluten free, meat free, etc.  and the calorie count.  You then select your delivery day for Tuesday or Friday.  It will arrive the day you selected in a box with all the ingredients and the instructions! It tells you the few things you need like salt, a baking sheet, etc. when you chose what you're going to get that week.

The first one we tried were the Asian Duck Tacos. They were VERY good and it was so easy to put together.

Left: finished tacos. Top right: ingredients are all labeled. Bottom right: scoring the duck breast

We have Beef Moussaka for later in the week. This can be kind of pricey but it was a very nice gift!

I want to share with you a pumpkin cookie recipe I created this week. I'm going to call them 

Oatmeal Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip Cookies

These are ALMOST Vegan 

(just leave out white chocolate chips and I know some vegans don't eat honey, that can be left out also)

I really wanted to bake.  I didn't have all the right stuff for every recipe I found so I decided to give take some recipes and change them around. These were pretty good! The original recipe wanted eggs and butter but I substituted banana for the egg and applesauce for the butter. I also made some other changes like using less brown sugar, using less pumpkin, using whole wheat flour, etc. I'm sure if you cooked them with the butter and egg they'd be a different consistency but these were SO good. I brought them to watch American Horror Story with some of my RAs and we could NOT stop eating them. They are about 90 calories a cookie. 

Here is the recipe!

Oatmeal Pumpkin White Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients: 

1 c applesauce (unsweetened)

1/2 c unpacked brown sugar

1/2 splenda sugar blend

1 T honey

1 mashed banana

1 tsp vanilla

a little over 1/2 a can of pumpkin 

2 c whole wheat flour

1/3 c old fashioned oats

1 1/4 tsp baking powder

1 1/2 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp ginger

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/2 bag of Nestle white chocolate chips

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

In a stand mixer, use the paddle attachment to beat the applesauce, brown sugar, sugar blend, and honey on medium high for about 5 minutes.  Scrape the sides with a rubber spatula.

While this is mixing mix the flour, oats, baking powder, cinnamon, ginger, salt, and nutmeg together in a separate bowl with a whisk.

Next, add the mashed banana and vanilla on medium low letting it mix until incorporated. 

Turn the mixer to low, take the dry ingredients and add them to the wet ingredients in small amounts in the bowl alternating with the pumpkin, scraping the sides in between additions (basically put like 1/2 the dry, 1/2 the pumpkin, 1/2 the dry, 1/2 the pumpkin). 

When mixed use a cookie scooper to put the dough onto a cookie sheet sprayed with nonstick spray (I use Pam coconut oil). Don't put them on parchment paper like in the picture, it didn't work very well.

Bake the cookies for about 22-25 minutes until golden then cool! Makes about 32 cookies.

Voila! Enjoy! I'm sorry there were no after pictures, we ate them all!

Fall Waldorf Chicken Salad and Hitting the 60 Pound Mark

So as many of you know I recently officially hit the 60 pound lost mark. It was so hard to believe that I did it. I took 60 pounds of weight and tried to do step-ups on the bench while holding it, it was SO hard.

How did I ever carry that weight all over my body?
How did I ever think that was okay?
I got off the bench and put the weight down and my eyes just filled with tears.

They were tears of happiness, tears of sadness for my former self, tears of relief, tears of exhaustion, so many emotions were flooding me.

Once I took the time to really process how I felt, it hit me again just how much I have worked and how hard this has been. It reminded me that every small change builds up to be a bigger and bigger difference over time.  So many times I have had to make the right choice - ordering the healthier meal when I go out with my colleagues, not drinking when I go out, avoiding desserts in general, going to the gym when life is crazy and crammed full, figuring out how to make each of these things work.

None of this is a sacrifice rather sustainable changes. I mean sure sometimes I really freaking want the brownie and I have it but not all the time.

One of the best things I've learned is not to say "I want that brownie, but I can't have it" but to say "I can have that brownie but I don't want it." It immediately changes your mindset and makes your choices YOURS: ones that you own. You're not depriving yourself but creating a better life one choice at a time.

Now to the recipe:

Today after the gym, I was STARVING. I looked through the fridge and decided to throw together an easy and pretty healthy "Fall Waldorf Chicken Salad" I'm going to share it with you! This serves 1 person.

Fall Waldorf Chicken Salad

3 oz cooked chicken
1/2 an apple of choice (I suggest honeycrisp), diced
1 tablespoon 0% fat Greek yogurt
2 tsp dijon mustard
1 tablespoon pumpkin seeds (roasted no salt added)
1 tablespoon dried cranberries (I used Trader Joe's brand)

Nutrition: 
Calories: 247
Fat: 8.6g
Sodium: 409.1g
Carbs: 14.9g
Fiber: 2.5g
Sugar: 10.4
Protein: 24.2g

First, I took 3 oz of cooked chicken (this was left over you could really use any kind of cooked chicken) and cut up about 1/2 a honey crisp apple.

Next, I added 1 tablespoon of Greek yogurt and 2 tsp of dijon mustard with some salt and pepper

Next, I added in 1 tablespoon of dried cranberries and 1 tablespoon of pumpkin seeds

Next, mix it all together and taste, see if it needs salt and pepper. 

BOOM

I served it on a bed of spinach with the other half of the apple. It was so good and filling. I would maybe use a little less dijon mustard next time but I loved it! Try it and tell me if you like it!

Tips for successful eating

Sorry about the gaps in between posts.  Sometimes life gets busy as you all know.

Today I want to talk about a few tips for healthy eating and making sure you're on the right track! I am by no means an expert but this is a compilation of things I've found have worked for me and that I have found online and tried or just tried myself.

Here are 10 helpful tips that work for me:

1. Be mindful about your eating: I am totally one of those people who can just sit there and pop piece of popcorn after piece of popcorn into my mouth without paying attention to what or how much I'm eating! Also if I have a little bit of alcohol, I get the munchies and then I just keep eating things I wouldn't have other wise. When you're eating, it is helpful to be aware of what you're eating and why. If it is because you really want a little bit of ice cream, that's fine. If it's because you're eating dinner to sustain yourself or you're having a pre work out snack, that's good - but make sure you've pre portioned what you're eating so you don't go over board!

2. Only eat from a plate: This kind of fits with mindful eating, but I am so guilty of grazing from the fridge or from the pantry. You can wind up eating so many extra calories.  Make sure if you plan on eating that you go get the food you want, put it on a plate and sit down and enjoy it. Enjoying your food and taking time to think about what you're eating makes such a difference.

3. Food scales and measuring cups: I cannot tell you how helpful a food scale is. If you're tying to lose weight, change your body, tone up, etc. a food scale is so so so important.  There are lots of guess-timation tools for knowing how much a portion is like how a deck of cards is about 3 oz of meat or part of your finger is about an ounce, however, the scale will help you tremendously. The same goes for measuring cups and spoons. You might think you know what a tablespoon of peanut butter is but going over could be an extra 50 calories! How many times do you look at the back of the bag to check out a serving size and it's in grams or ounces without a count? All the time! This will help you see what it looks like, and you might even be surprised that you were having more to eat than you thought.

4. Lighten foods you already enjoy: You can cut calories from meals by switching to light butter, light sour cream. You can also add veggies to bulk up what you're eating, for example, if you're making homemade pizza load it up with some veggies! I like to have a big side of vegetables if I'm having a pasta or something that tends to be less on the healthy side so I can fill up on the healthier options but still have what I want. You can also google "light" versions of some of your favorite foods and get great ideas!

5. Avoid "diets" eat clean and avoid processed food!: It's important not to think of what you're doing as a temporary or after you lose enough weight or hit a goal and go back to eating how you were before, you will see your hard work go away. In order for the change to stick it has to be a change of mind and a change of attitude and how you think about food.  You can still treat yourself! Trust me I still eat ice cream, cake, brownies but I don't have them every day and if I do indulge its usually on a work out day. Some people say not to do this at all, but I know how my mind works and depriving myself leads to binging in a terrible way. It's best to find what works for you in this capacity and stick to it.
I find it best to eat as much whole and clean food as I can. Lots of veggies, fruits, lean proteins, and avoid processed foods and focus on complex carbs rather than simple carbs. This means I chose a sweet potato over a regular potato, brown rice over white, etc.  I still eat processed foods like yogurt, string cheese, and cookie chips hahaah but I try to make those less frequent in my diet and avoid "boxed carbs."

6. Be Smart at Restaurants: When you eat out at a restaurant think ahead! Many restaurants post their nutritional information online. Things you thought might be "healthy" could be full of heavy cream or salt or more.  Check salads, especially. Dressings can be full of sugar. Is the chicken grilled or friend? Is the shrimp marinated? Is it loaded with cheese and croutons? If there isn't nutrition information, you can usually at least find the menu and having a plan before you go in to the restaurant makes it easier to avoid temptation.

7. Plan your meals: One or two days before I start to plan my meals. I play on my fitness pal to make sure I'm getting enough protein, staying with in calories, getting enough vegetables and more.  It also makes my meals seem very final, helps me see the calories for the entire day in perspective.  Some people make their meals for the week on Sunday and that's awesome but that's not my thing. I like cooking at night and having some variety, but making sure you pre-plan helps keep you on track. You're way more likely to grab what is convenient so make your healthy foods are convenient.

8. Water: Water Water Water - I cannot say it enough. On a day I go to the gym, I easily drink about 2 gallons of water, if not more.  Water helps your skin, helps with weight loss, digestion, brain function, and so much more.  We all know the recommended amount of water is eight 8 ounce glasses of water a day, but if you are trying to lose weight, you should be drinking more. Water also helps you feel full.
I know a lot of people don't "like" water, but there might be some small changes that make it better. For example, I  used to only really like ice cold water out of glass so I made sure to drink water that way and now I can drink water pretty much any way and CRAVE it.
If you go buy a 32 ounce bottle of water and drink 2 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon you will see a difference and feel a difference.  Now, a lot of what you lose will be water weight, but it's still important to drink all that water.

9. Set daily goals: One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read was to make sure you set daily goals and not just long term goals. For example "today I will only eat a piece of dark chocolate for dessert after dinner" or "today I will allow myself a piece of that birthday cake but just one." It gives you a small victory for your day and helps you stay on track.

10. Don't beat yourself up: If you don't do as well as you plan on it's okay! Look at the next day as a day to do better. No one is perfect and no one will be perfect every day. I like to remind myself that I made the decision to eat it so that's the choice I made. It's okay to mess up - just earn from it and move forward.

Bonus tip:
I get sweet tooth cravings a LOT and I once read that when you are craving something that you know you kind of want but you're not sure, set a timer for 20 minutes. Most cravings only last that long. Usually by the time the timer goes off, I'm not interested in whatever I'm craving.

How much do I weigh?

Okay, real talk.  So I've been debating for a long time when, if ever, to share my weight. It's hard to share how much you weigh. It's kind of taught to be a taboo subject and something we don't ask. I was told "the scale is just a number" so I often went years without weighing myself.

When I finally began using MyFitnessPal I was **deep breath** 
(I feel like I'm taking off my clothes by doing this, but I said I'd be honest!)

This was somewhere in the 260-270 range

265 pounds

I initially put my weight in as 263 pounds before I checked thinking I'd change it if I was wrong. When I got home it would not let me update it instead, it would look like I gained 2lbs in a day so I just left it alone.

My heaviest weight I ever remember seeing on a scale was

273 pounds 

This was right when I started working out and using MFP - no results yet

I remember it clicking how close to 300 that was. I wish I could tell you that this lead to like a huge wake up call. It didn't. It did lead me down a path to start running and trying to "eat healthy" without really knowing what "eating healthy" meant. I didn't know the importance of portions and watching sugar content. I didn't know what I was reading when I looked at a label. I didn't know how many calories to eat or not eat. Basically, it lead to another failed attempt at weight loss.  I had previously lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers going down to around 248 pounds.

Since being at 263 pounds I am now at 59.8 pounds lost. 

I am 203.2 pounds right now.
I am 4 pounds away from being in the 100s and I want to get there like NOW.

I'm trying to be patient and not stress because this last 10 pounds has been torture! The more I stress and worry, the worse it will be.

I really want to be below 200 pounds by October 18th 

but I've decided to consciously try to not pressure myself and just let it happen.  I've switched up my eating and am trusting the work I've already done and keep doing every day. I have to remind myself that weight gain or plateaus aren't the end of the world but I have to keep pushing in the right directions and make the right corrections.

At the beginning of August - around 213 pounds

Yesterday I went shopping and it felt so good. I had to get rid of more stuff in my closet. I already need new jeans again as well as new black work pants. There is no way to explain to someone who has never experienced it what it is like to be able to find clothes in a "normal" store when the biggest size wouldn't always fit you. I used to get anxiety about going shopping with friends.  I felt like I was watching others and would just buy jewelry or shoes. Now I feel like I can participate. It's more than just shopping, it's participating in life.

Having a target size or weight to be is very challenging when you've been heavy for a long time. You don't know what your body is supposed to look like. I wear L shirts in most things (sometimes an XL still). I wear size 14/16 bottoms right now, also.  If I buy a dress its usually a L or a 16. I'm not sure if there is a certain"size" I want to be. Like I said, I'm just trying to be as near to my "target" weight based on my height/weight chart (so somewhere between 150 and 165) I can be and then basing it off of how I feel, how I look, and where my body finds it is happiest. I am already pretty muscular so I know this will probably put me on the heavier side, and that's fine.

The scale is just a number, and there is no perfect number, but it should reflect a happy, healthy you.  The scale is a guidance point to know where you are and where you should be and you should be pairing it with your BMI, inches, and body fat %. BMI can be misleading too, so be careful just trusting that.

Between my baseline in January and September 19
My body fat % has gone down 6.5%
My BMI has gone down 7.3 points

There is a huge part of me that really wants to lose a full 100 pounds then let my body figure it out but I really just want to see where I land and trust my body. Okay I'm done spilling my guts and sharing one of the hardest things we try to avoid sharing at all costs.  I told you I'd be honest about the good the bad and the ugly!
I have some fun meals coming up this week and some weight loss tips when it comes to food so stay tuned!

Embarassing Photos and Make Your Own Pumpkin Spice Yogurt

So I came across this old photo of me the other day from when I was working at Oxford. I remember seeing this picture after it was taken and thinking it was embarrassing. I know my own choices got me to that point, but I don't know how I went so long thinking my size was okay.

 Having this photo may be embarrassing, but it is a good reminder of how far I have come. Having embarrassing or "bad" photos is not a bad thing. It reminds us that we are human, we have flaws, and that's what makes us wonderful. In this picture I know I was excited about RA training and meeting my new staff. I know I loved the skirt I was wearing and I loved my colleagues and I wasn't focused on how I looked in this picture. That's the good part. Just because we get rid of the fat, doesn't mean we get rid of the memories attached to them or that the moment would have been better if we were thin.  It just means that it is part of our journey.

Remember my post about weight loss being mental and emotional? I think this just fits right into that mindset. I'm not saying you have to be a certain size to be happy or to be healthy, but I wasn't either one.  Being overweight and unhealthy is emotional/mental. For me, I make a lot of my food decisions based on my emotions, if I'm happy, if I'm stressed, if I'm upset, it makes all the difference. Food is also a very social thing for me and I make food for people to show them that I care. That is all mental and emotional.  I also would tell myself "I'll never lose weight because it just wasn't how I was built." I would tell myself "well I'm going to gain weight when I have kids any way so I'll just lose it all when I'm done." I put myself in the mental state that it wouldn't happen, so it didn't. Instead I convinced myself that what I was eating was healthy because it had vegetables or that I didn't eat fatty foods all the time so it was okay. What I wasn't paying attention to was the PB&J before I went to bed, or the 4 oreos I had for dessert after dinner, or the fact that most of my dinners were 1.5 or 2 portions, or the fact that I did eat fatty foods a lot. I would try to lose weight and get so frustrated emotionally, that I would just quit.
Seeing this picture reminded me of the place I was in and that I don't want to go back there. I won't be back there. Not that I will never gain weight again, because I will, but I won't give myself the mental pressure that I did in the past, and I'll be honest with myself about food and recognize when I'm bargaining with myself rather than actually trying. Now that I've see what I can do, there is no excuse.


I was having a pretty serious plateau lately so I decided to switch up my eating. I was down a pound today which was great because I've been stressing out about it which makes it worse. I was seriously about to go on a scale fast for a month if I hadn't lost anything this morning.  Plateaus are a natural part of weight loss and important for your body in the process, but it's so hard when you see the scale moving and then it just stops.

I'm not really eating super differently but moving stuff around in my day and eating a little differently at lunch on occasion.  Instead of having my shake at breakfast, I'm having it in the afternoon. I know it's a "meal replacement shake" but I'm having about the same amount of calories in my day and still burning around 1000 cals per work out.  This morning I had one egg and two egg whites scrambled and cooked in coconut oil cooking spray with whole grain toast (extra fiber) with crunchy peanut butter.  Yesterday, I made pumpkin spice yogurt to have with breakfast without all the sugar and I'm going to share that with you now. I highly recommend buying Greek yogurt in large quantities then adding your own toppings. It's easier to control the sugar content and just a better option.  You can then make whatever combinations you want!


Pumpkin Spice Yogurt: 

1/2 c Plain Nonfat Yogurt (I use Fage or Trader Joe's)
1 tsp Natural Honey
to taste: pumpkin spice seasoning (I use about 1/2 tsp)
to taste: cinnamon ( I use a few sprinkles)
1 packet of stevia

Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl. I also added
1/4 c of  Trader Joe's Country Pumpkin Spice Granola just because I like that extra crunch.








I will leave you with this wonderful fall photo of Gotham in the leaves yesterday during our morning walk. Bring on everything fall, people, it's my favorite.  I got my new boots today, so I'm ready!

The BEST Cookie Snack and My Fav. Fish Tacos

Today was another pretty busy day.  I added some cinnamon to coffee to get me through the afternoon. I actually had two cups- oops.

Today was a rest day from the gym so we went to Trader Joe's to pick up a few things and then came home and had some fish tacos. The great thing about tacos in general, you can make them so many different ways you can have them once a week and do something different each time.

I like to use this sauce recipe  from Soup Addict for the tacos, a slaw recipe that is just a mix of red cabbage, red onion, cilantro, jalapeno, lime juice, splenda, salt, and pepper, and make baked fish.

I cut the tilapia into small pieces, then coat the tilapia in egg and panko bread crumbs (which I season a little differently every time), then bake in a 400 degree oven for about 20 minutes.  I also like to use corn tortillas rather than flour tortillas.

This corn salad is also really easy. Today I used frozen corn, but I really recommend using fresh corn on the cob. It has a much better flavor than the frozen corn and has a firmer texture.  First you cook the corn (I usually use 1 ear per serving) and cut it off the cob. Then add 1 tbsp sour cream and 1 tbsp lime juice for every two corn cobs. Add some salt and pepper. Then add red onion and cilantro to taste. Sometimes I throw in a sprinkle of chili powder.





Now let's talk about snacking. I really like desserts and sweets, especially baked goods. I also love baking but then I feel pressured to finish it all and eat it all before it goes bad.  I have a food hoarding problem when I really like something I save it and it winds up going bad before I get to really enjoy it.  Whenever I find something I can enjoy that is easy and convenient, won't break the bank, or kill my calories, it's a huge win. That is how I feel about these Hannahmax Cookie Chips.

Cookie chips from left to right: Oatmeal raisin, cinnamon sugar, original, dark chocolate, and sea salted peanut butter
(not pictured: chocolate chip)

They can be really hard to find in some stores but you can try to find sale locations on their website. I recommend if you're going to order them online to use the Hannahmax website because they use better shipping methods.  When I ordered them from Amazon, they were all crumbs.  These come in multiple flavors (sorry the chocolate chip cookie are all gone so no picture) and I can't decide which is my favorite. They are all great! Now the best part is they are DELICIOUS and what is even better is you can have five for only 120 calories! If you love sweets you know that's a pretty good deal. The cookie flavor is delicious. They are crunchy not soft, but as someone who prefers cookies that are soft in the middle with crunch around the edge, I'm in LOVE with the crunch of the cookies.  I recommend that you try them, in case you didn't get it, I'm in love.

I've finally had time to start playing catch up on Season 6 of Parks and Rec. I've loved this show since day one. I'm stuck between about 3 to 4 TV characters/ celebrities that would be my spirit animal, but Leslie Knope is definitely at the top of my list (Mindy Kaling, and Louise and Tina Belcher are on there, too).  I love Amy Poehler's character Leslie Knope, she really speaks to my soul when I want to give up - she inspires me to keep going.  Most importantly she reminds me that it's okay to inspire yourself.

Overnight Oats and Turkey Picadillo Stuffed Sweet Plantains

So as you can tell, I can get into grooves where I do the same thing for a while then switch it up, especially when it comes to food. I am a big fan of my GNC Total Lean breakfast shake in the morning made with two scoops of protein powder and a cup of milk in a blender and then having a snack around 10:30am.

This morning I decided to try this "over night oats" thing.  It is much higher in calories than my normal breakfast so I decided to try it and see if it kept me full without snacking. I decided to start with this cinnamon roll overnight oats recipe from Creme de la Crumb.  I bought 4 jars from the dollar store yesterday because the jars I had were either way too big or way too small. I lightened up the recipe a little bit. I used unsweetened vanilla almond milk and added a packet of stevia and used 1 Tbsp of powdered sugar instead of 3. I also made sure to use a light cream cheese.

Verdict: It filled me up and was delicious. So while I had more calories at breakfast, I wasn't really hungry again until 11:30am.
I wish I had photographed the process but it seriously took me 10 minutes to make this. It went right into the fridge last night and sat there until this morning. Steve loved it too. It's definitely a winner although I don't think I'll eat it every day!

Tonight I also made these Turkey Picadillo Stuffed Sweet Plantains from Skinnytaste.com

I thought they might be good, but I had no prediction as to how amazing they would be. It was the perfect combination of sweet and salty and filled me up by pairing it with brown rice. I've been using Trader Joe's quick cook brown rice.  It is just quicker and turns out fluffy and yummy. They are only about 338 calories each!





















Today I read this on instagram from the My Fitness Pal Account. It was so much of what I needed today. I hope it gives you a little motivation, too! It made me think that my decisions get me to where I am - good or bad. I need to own those decisions and realize that until I make that connection I'll never make the improvements I want.

The Emotional Journey

So due to technical difficulties (my computer stopped working) and the fact that I wasn't quite sure what I wanted this blog to be, I stopped for a while.
I'm back - I want to update maybe about once a week.
It's way too hard to update once a day. I work all day, go to the gym, and by the time I eat dinner and shower I just want to go to bed.  I love my routine, it just leaves very little time for blogging.
Since the last time I blogged I've lost an additional 22lbs and I am at a total of 57 lbs lost.

As much as it is exciting to lose all of this weight and it's actually very easy to do for me with this method of watching what I eat and calories along with vigorous exercise, it takes a toll on me emotionally and I want to talk about that a little bit.

There are days when I get on the scale and I don't understand why it hasn't moved. When you work as hard as I do, it is very hard to see that. I start blaming and shaming and second guessing myself. I have to consciously remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. I have to remind myself that the journey is hard and this isn't the first time I've struggled to see progress - plateaus happen. I have to remind myself that what I am doing is working and to just keep pushing forward.  Weight loss and a journey to fitness for me has felt about 80% mental/emotional and 20% physical. It's hard to train your mind to think differently, to eat differently, to learn what being "full" actually is, to go to the gym instead of taking a nap, to drink 1-2 gallons of water a day. It's a lot.  It takes time and support. It takes a strong will.

When you start to change anything about yourself, you unfortunately see parts of people and sides of people you didn't know existed. You see jealousy, you see love, you see support and so much more in places you didn't expect.  I constantly have people question my methods and criticise my choices, but for every 1 person who does that I have 3 more supporting me or asking me for help.  I've seen a lack of support from people I thought would be my biggest cheerleaders, I've seen support from people with whom I wasn't even that close.  Change doesn't just "change" you but it has a ripple effect to everyone in your life and you have to be prepared for that. Now nothing really will prepare you because you can't predict reactions, but you have to be strong and know that you trust what you're doing.

I post a lot on social media and I feel really self-centered for doing this, but it REALLY holds me accountable to what I eat, to my work outs, to succeeding, and it gives me a great connection to my support system.  I have Steve at home and he is beyond phenomenal but the more support the better. The more you know others are watching, the more it drives you.

It's also a challenge to change how you see yourself. I've seen myself as the big, loud, funny girl for a long time. I've bought the same size clothes for a long time, and sometimes I still see myself as a lot larger than I am. Yes I'm buying larges instead of xxlarges, yes I'm buying 14s and 16s instead of 20s and 22s. Seeing the numbers change on my clothes and on the scale are such a small piece of this journey. Like I said before, so much of this is mental and seeing yourself in a new way. I am learning to respect my body differently than I ever have. I'm learning to empower myself and push myself to be better and stronger. I'm changing the relationship I've had with food for 27 years. That's longer than a lot of marriages, people! I get down on myself for the inconsistency I experience from time to time and the blaming and the shaming. I know in my logical brain that it's working, that everything will get where it needs to be, but I'm a very competitive person and in this case, I'm competing with myself which just takes it to another level when it comes to my expectations of being better. I just have to be patient and trust myself and this process.

One of the biggest things I've learned is trusting myself and realizing that this is a journey that will continue my whole life. Yes I still have 40 more lbs to go (ish, I'm going to see where my body is most comfortable) and I know I'll be equally criticized and supported. I know even when I get to a "goal" weight, I'm always going to have to watch what I eat and work out because that is the body type I have.  This is about making a life long sustainable change, not what will be a quick fix.  I'm going to try to post more, although now I'm in my busy time so it probably won't be for another week or so but I just needed to share where I am now and what this journey is really like for me.

Time to play catch up

I know, I know, I haven't been posting ever day. It's a little too much to do so I've decided I'm just going to post things that are different, like if I eat something new and fun for lunch, or if I make a fun dinner.  I'm also going to post an exercise today! Woohoo!

So let me catch you up!

I like to find recipes at some tried and true places like Skinnytaste.com.  I also like to kind of "make stuff up" from time to time or make fun substitutions.  If I eat the same thing all the time I get bored, so I have to switch things up. If I don't, I'm more likely to eat something unhealthy.

Here is a lighter buffalo chicken mac and cheese from Iowa Girl Eats. She has some great recipes on her site. I can never find the Laughing Cow bleu cheese wedges (they have like every other flavor) so I just sprinkle in a little regular bleu cheese (I just use restraint).  I also used whole wheat flour in this recipe.  I also like to have a steamed veggie, especially with pasta meals because it really helps fill me up and its a lot easier than cutting up veggies for a salad.

Here is a recipe I kind of made up. First I sauteed about 2 cloves of chopped garlic in some olive oil (less than a tablespoon) on medium high heat. Then I added the boneless skinless chicken thighs I had seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic, and sage.  I seared them on each side and then let them cook through. It really did not take long at all. I also made these mashed potatoes from skinnytaste.com, however I did not have sour cream so I substituted in a little bit of blue cheese so it'd still have some kind of tang to it. The sour cream makes a difference.  I also added a little bit of cayenne, it's good for your metabolism! I had broccoli, Steve had peas because he thinks broccoli is "unnatural."

Here is another dinner I threw together. My mom taught me how to make this citrus rice. It's made just like regular jasmine rice but with lemon and orange zest, a chicken bouillon cube, and a clove of smashed garlic are put into the water while it cooks. The fish I made is tilapia. I love tilapia because it is CHEAP and low calorie.  I lightly coated each side of the fish in olive oil then covered it in Cajun seasoning and a little bit of brown sugar to make it like a spicy sweet to go with the rice.  I cooked it in the oven at around 400degrees for about 15 minutes, I think, I just kind of watch it. Fish is so easy to make in the oven. I also made steamed sugar snap peas on the side.

I love Trader Joe's. It stresses Steve out so we only go sometimes. I usually run in and grab cookie butter. This week I got him to mill about a little more so I bought some of the veggie corn dogs.  Best decision ever. I had one for lunch the other day. Again, here is how I do my lunches, a lot of variety, so little bits of this and that to make sure I'm getting vitamins, carbs, proteins, etc, but still enjoying what I eat and eating something easy to make.  I had it with wheat thins, tomatoes, a reduced fat string cheese, and an apple.

Also, a new pre-work out snack I love: whole grain toast with a soft boiled egg mushed on top with some salt, pepper, and hot sauce. Yum. I eat my work out snack about 2 hours before I work out.

We get bagels every Sunday after the gym. It's one of my favorite "traditions." I like to make sure that I get some veggies with my bagel so I usually get a salad, too. I've been on a cream cheese, lox, red onion, and capers kick so I got that on an everything bagel and the new verde chicken salad (no chicken). It had romaine, spinach, avocado, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, chickpeas, and red onions with Italian dressing. It was SUCH a good salad. It really didn't need the chicken.

This work out is an oblique leaner. Obviously the things I post are just part of what I do during that day and remember, I am not a trainer. These are work outs I have learned but I know if you're like me, you need variety so I'm going to post some of what I do from time to time so you can throw them in to your work outs.  First, you need to find the weight with which you are comfortable. I think the first time I did this I'd been working out for a few months, and I used a 20lb weight.  Here I am using at 35lb weight.  So here is what you do. Stand with your legs together. The closer your legs are, the harder it is.  Put the weight in one of your hands (you'll switch sides for another set of reps). You can do whatever you want with the empty hand. Stand straight with the weight in one hand.
Next, lean to the side with the weight on it until you feel it in your side.

Then lean back up.

It's that easy.

Repeat that motion 15 times then switch sides.

I do this as part of a circuit that is repeated 3 times and then do another circuit so mix it in with some other stuff.  You can really feel it in your obliques. If you're not feeling it, switch to a higher weight or make sure you're keeping your back and legs straight.  If it's too hard after a few reps, move down in weight. Thanks Steve for taking the pics!

Here are some of my recent burns from the gym, because I don't remember the last time I posted. In the double, my HRM stopped working before cardio so I restarted it and added it together for 922 cals burned:

I went out to eat like twice this weekend and so it killed my calories two days however, it was worth it because it was with friends that I haven't seen in quite a while both times. Can I eat healthier when I go out? Sure! However, sometimes even ordering a salad is a challenge and when you're on a budget, that comes in to play too. I'm not upset about it. I've seen that scale go down every week. I keep monitoring my food intake and working out really hard, so I'm on the right track.  If I hit another plateau, I'll just find something to switch up again. I hit one a few months ago, it was rough. I was sitting in the gym with Steve and I started crying because the scale hadn't budged much in like 2 weeks even with super monitoring of my food at that time AND really intense work outs. I stopped obsessing over it and just started living my life again, and the weight started to come off. It's also hard to put pressure on yourself, that doesn't help anything and just puts me into a position where I want to give up and eat 35 chips ahoy with a glass of milk, but I remind myself of the work I've done and that I can keep going. I know I'm rambling here.  Really, this for me isn't a diet and it isn't about excuses. It's about living my life in a new way, changing old habits, but still enjoying my life without restrictions when I can make that choice. Really, that is what this journey is. It is about choice. I've chosen to change things and I chose what I eat and what I do each day.

Wednesday, June 11th

Well, I had today off. Part of me trying to use up my vacation days before they go away at the end of the month. I was down 1.6lbs from last week today which puts me at a total weight loss of 33.6lbs.

I took Gotham for his morning walk just later than usual because I slept in.  After our walk I had breakfast, and then I think he was a little tired.

 I had left over stir fry I made a few nights ago for lunch while I binged on Netflix.

While I worked on this post, I had a cup of coffee (yes, I actually started working on a post the day of).

I had 1 whole pita warmed up and sliced up with some grape tomatoes and a reduced fat string cheese as my pre-work out snack

We worked out with Logan tonight and did some challenging moves. I liked it a lot. I almost fell jumping in and out of a tire during tire flips. She really pushes us and I enjoy it.  Here is my burn from our work out with her and cardio.
Oh! I also ran a mile tonight during my normal 10 minute warm up - it took me 11:54, not 10 minutes however I know I can cut that down! I'm going to do a 5Kin the fall and want to have a good time for that so I figured I'll start working on it now (why not?). I'm not usually a big runner, after a while I'm over it but it's for my sister wife so I'll do it.

After the gym we went to Panera for dinner.  I got the Asian Chicken Salad (whole salad) with a whole grain baguette and a cup of the garden vegetable soup and an apple. After the gym, YouPick2 is not enough food for me.

We also had to go to Target, and they had Ghiradelli chocolate on sale so I bought a bag and so did Steve. I got the Dark Chocolate Soiree which is dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds. I wasn't going to have any before bed because of the caffeine (I've noticed it effecting my sleep) but I could not resist. I slept just fine! I did have a cup of vanilla sleepy time tea before bed which I forgot to photograph.

Today (Thursday) is our last gym day for the week until Sunday.  Tomorrow we're going in to DC to see some friends and Saturday I'm Katnissing with Kim (i.e. archery) while Steve works.  I hate and love weekends (because Steve works Saturdays).